Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
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The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
God, I love Scotland
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Warm pools make me nervous.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?