Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”