Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard

APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-

ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]

INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!

Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.

“Hey, smell this.”

-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

Me: What sound do dogs make?

3-year-old: Woof woof.

Me: Horses?

3: Neigh.

Me: Pigs?

3: Sizzle sizzle.

Somebody understands bacon.

I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.

And not ONE ab to show for it.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price