Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

good let them take over I have had enough

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?