Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.

Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”