Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Flock of geese

Murder of crows

Mistake of beers

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.