Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

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Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.


Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.


What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?

A Parenting Story


Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know


Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!


[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.


[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times

[the same movie on tv with commercials]