Sometimes I ask myself, what would Aquaman do? So I sit in the bathtub and cry about how useless I am.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
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A Parenting Story
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times
[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]