Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
phew
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.