Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
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As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?