Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you

[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]

ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}