Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL