@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

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@50NerdsofGrey

‘I’ve been a very bad girl,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘I need to be punished.’
‘Very well,’ he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

@MandaPandaXo4

Everybody says salads are good for you but nobody wants to talk about the fact that a bag of Doritos has never been recalled for E Coli.

@Kristen_Arnett

dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@SteveSackington

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

@CauseWereDads

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

@iamspacegirl

Definitely just forgot the word ‘menu’ and asked for a ‘map of the food’.

@jazmasta

Nature fact: The female cat gives birth to the body and head of her kittens separately and has to screw the head in like a lightbulb.

@TheHyyyype

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!