My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The problem with today’s children is that today’s grown-ups are idiots.
*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Kinky = using a feather. Perverted = using the whole chicken.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.