@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

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@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

@ch000ch

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

@sarcasm_inc

*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
oh ok

@ClearlyUnwell

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

@SortaBad

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

@benindaclub

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

@GrandadJFreeman

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.