Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I was bored.
Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.
Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer