@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Apparently saying, “Oh, I just came to watch” makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

@BoogTweets

[hotel room]

Her: why are you making the bed

Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen

@thisbrokeme

The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me

@LucyLouMcB

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

@WhiteKid4Sale

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

@WorldofWid

Whoever called it a “dust bunny” was in a super good mood.

@AnnietheNanny1

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

@patnspankme

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer