Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.