Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…