Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
#FunnyLife Insects
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
everyone has that one prude friend
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!