Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

9am: *starts diet*

2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.