Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

#inspiration #foodforthought

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.

I laughed.

…

She stared at me until I paid her.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]

“I’m wasted.”

“Me too. You know how bad?”

“Don’t say it again.”

“I can’t feel my face.”

“Goddammit, Kevin.”

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child