Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

is frankincense just very honest incense?

If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

hardest line in real life

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Walmart is crazy like why did I have a polite conversation with a stranger about mustard

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?