Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity

FRIEND: who?

ME: *narrows eyes*

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.

*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”

Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup