Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

🤫

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?