Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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My dog ate my work from home.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Boom, boom, ching!
If you’re testing me, we failed.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified