Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

*brings nachos to your exorcism*

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

The urge to throw a coconut at someone.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy

Three thousand years have passed. Mia’s son has merged with a sandworm and rules the wastes of Genovia as a god