Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

Jason: Honey?

Wife: Mmmm?

Jason: Where is my hockey mask?

W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete

J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”