HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
You Might Also Like
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.