Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…

Shouldn’t he be working in web design?

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

Don’t we all.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife