Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
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“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
An odd boast
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Geez man, take it easy.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep