Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.

Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”

– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.

Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …

PER MY LAST EMAIL

The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

This one’s “Alex”.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.