Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED

There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?