Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean

*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*

This why you should mind your business

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around