Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

*wear sunscreen*

*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*

*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.