Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

r kelly: will you touch this shower quick

king midas: why

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Venn

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Me: *typing* exercise

Autocorrect: extra fries

Me: this is better

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???

The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo