Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Garfield: I hate Mondays

Therapist: You don’t even have a job

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Who knew!

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”

“Sir, she came in with you!”

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*