him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.