him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.