him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.