Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
What my back needs
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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