Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
I’m sure it’s fine.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
