Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
classic mixup
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
