Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
