Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
🐟✨ #re4
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.