Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.