Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years

Me: punching a goose in its mouth

Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position

Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

*Strong man rips a phone book in half

Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?

Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?

corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.

You’re the Pepsi of people.

Some people like you, but they’re wrong.

My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.