Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.