Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
these can’t be my only options
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
*checks Timeline*…
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*