Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
You Might Also Like
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.