Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.