Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.

I’m so blessed.

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

first you must answer his riddles

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

[During sex]

Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

boss: you’re late

me: and you are not the father

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

no one:

absolutely no one:

my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates