Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body by cheese-puffs.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.

[bank]

me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.