Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless![]()
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I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
What number SPF blocks people?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.