Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

Check your privilege

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older