Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Children of the corn 🌽
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one