Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
fly smarter, not harder
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.