Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”

-my new line of Get Well cards

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

My work here is don’t.