Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!

Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.