Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
You Might Also Like
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
man i love columbo
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…