Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point