Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*