Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
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Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
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*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Why soy sad?
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Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”