Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.