Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

how was your vacation

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.

developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that