Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
fourth time鈥檚 the charm
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there鈥檚 a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i鈥檓 going in
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Friday the 13th doesn鈥檛 even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 馃馃徑馃馃徑
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I鈥檒l probably only get to do it the once.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.