Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
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[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.