Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”

dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok

I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!