Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years