Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
jesus, what did this guy do
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles