Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
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Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
see next tweet for some translations
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions