Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.