Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so this horse walks into a bar

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Be the unknown suspect that you want to see in the world

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.