Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

🏠

Just added something to my bucket list.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?