Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Who wants to be my Valentine?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]

“Get out of here, NOW!”

“Why?”

“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*