Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

boys are so easy to impress

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.