Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️