Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
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Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I ate everything, including the H.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
