Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
We will use anything but the metric system
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.