Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
this is so top tier i cant
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Perfection.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.