Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My plans: 2020:
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something