Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
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20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”