Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

Carpe DM

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”

Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

me: *hiding from kidnapper*

kidnapper: *sneezes*

me: BLESS YOU!

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.